How to Deal with Difficult People

We’ve all encountered them—those people who seem impossible to communicate with, who frustrate us with their behavior, and who leave us feeling drained after every interaction. Whether it’s a colleague, a family member, or a friend, dealing with difficult people is a challenge most of us would rather avoid.

I vividly remember my own experience working with a micromanaging boss early in my career. As a software developer, I thrived on autonomy and innovation, but my manager rejected every plan and proposal I brought to the table. Meetings felt like battlegrounds where my ideas were ignored, leaving me questioning my worth on the team. The stress bled into my personal life, impacting my relationships and eroding my confidence. I thought, If only she would change, things would get better.

Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and left the job. At the time, it felt like a personal defeat, but in hindsight, I realized that my boss wasn’t solely responsible for my unhappiness—I was giving her behavior far too much power over my emotional state. That insight led me to an uncomfortable but liberating realization: change doesn’t start with others; it starts with us.

A Hard Truth: Change Starts With You

Here’s an analogy: Imagine you’re sick, but instead of seeking treatment for yourself, you demand the doctor prescribe medicine for someone else, hoping it will make you feel better. Sounds absurd, right? Yet, we often fall into this trap by focusing on changing others instead of managing our own reactions.

This doesn’t mean accepting toxic behavior or giving it a free pass. It means learning to manage your response so that difficult people don’t have the power to derail your day—or your career.

Understanding Your Feelings

Take a moment to reflect: Why do certain people frustrate you so much? It’s tempting to label them as the problem, but often the discomfort we feel comes from within—our expectations, assumptions, or emotional triggers.

For example, your micromanaging boss might treat someone else the same way but get a completely different reaction. This shows that their behavior, while frustrating, isn’t the sole issue. It’s how you perceive and respond to it.

Ask yourself:

• Why does this behavior bother me?

• What expectations am I holding, and are they realistic?

• Am I looking for validation or approval from this person?

Understanding these factors can help you disentangle your emotions from their actions and regain control over your reactions.

Letting Go of Resistance

The idea isn’t to “fix” the difficult person but to shift your mindset. Resistance—wishing they would behave differently or resenting their actions—only increases your stress. Letting go of that resistance frees you from the emotional weight they place on you.

This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate unprofessional behavior. It means you stop letting their actions dictate your mental state.

Staying Present in the Moment

When you’re with difficult people, staying present is crucial. Resist the urge to mentally escape or anticipate their next frustrating move. Instead, focus on the present moment and your own emotional state. Notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment, and remind yourself that you have the power to choose your reaction. You can’t change how they act, but you can change how you respond—and that’s where your power lies.

Final Thoughts

Tech professionals thrive on solving problems, and dealing with difficult people is no different. It’s a complex bug in our own system of life, but one worth debugging. By letting go of resistance, staying present, and focusing on self-awareness, you’ll find yourself better equipped to handle any challenge with grace.

That doesn’t mean accepting everything as your own fault—especially in cases of aggressive, toxic, or abusive behavior. Instead, by stepping aside from reactive emotions, we can approach these challenges with clarity, see the situation for what it is, and better understand how to handle it. When we focus on managing our responses, we take back control—ensuring that others’ behavior doesn’t derail our well-being or our path forward.

So, the next time a challenging person crosses your path, take a deep breath and remember: your peace of mind is in your hands.

How will you approach your next difficult interaction? The choice—and the growth—is yours.