The Illusion of Kindness: Unmasking the Hidden Selfishness in Charity
I used to pride myself on being the giver - always showing up, listening, and helping. But looking back, I realize that often much of this was driven by a desire to be seen as kind and good.
The Four Faces of Charity
Reading Anthony de Mello's “Awareness” was like seeing my reflection in a mirror I'd been avoiding. He identifies three types of self-interest that often disguised as charity:
The Self-Centered Giver - Please Yourself Directly: The first type is straightforward: giving that directly pleases ourselves. It's the donation that comes with your name on a building, the volunteer work that looks impressive on a resume. I recognized this in myself when joining prestigious committees and highlighting volunteer work during interviews. The giving was real, but so was my self-interest.
The Refined Self-Interest - Pleasing Others to Please Yourself: The second type is more subtle: giving ourselves the pleasure of pleasing others. This is "more refined" and potentially more dangerous, because it makes us feel virtuous while still serving our own needs. This was me at my most typical—doing favors and feeling that warm glow when someone would say, "You're such a good friend." I was collecting emotional currency with each good deed.
The Guilt-Driven Sacrifice - Giving to Avoid Bad Feelings: The third type, which de Mello calls "the worst," is when we give not because it brings joy but because refusing would make us feel bad. De Mello likely considers this the worst because it lacks genuine care and can cause resentment. Like the time a friend asked me to accompany her shopping. I really didn't want to go because I was exhausted from work that weekend, but I couldn't say "no" because it made me have a bad feeling. I wasn't there out of love—I was there because I couldn't bear being seen as selfish if I declined.
The Selfless Gift - Real Giving Comes Without Strings: While de Mello hints at but doesn't fully develop the idea, I believe there's a fourth kind of giving – the selfless gift. This is giving with no self involved. Not for pleasure, reputation, or avoiding guilt. Just pure giving without any expectation of return, not even a thank you or appreciation. This concept builds upon de Mello's observations, exploring a realm of giving that transcends self-interest. I experienced this when helping an elderly French couple find the Golden Gate Bridge. I assisted them simply because they needed help - nothing more.
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
Learning to Give Without Expectations
This realization transformed my giving. Recognizing the self-interest that often underpinned my actions created a desire within me for more authentic connection and a purer form of kindness, one rooted in internal integrity rather than the need for external validation. I began consciously practicing selfless giving in small ways - leaving anonymous gifts, helping without telling anyone, listening without waiting for my turn to speak.
The surprising discovery? It felt lighter and freer. It wasn't the fleeting pleasure of receiving praise, but a deeper, more sustainable sense of peace that came from acting without expectation.
It's important to acknowledge that our motivations for giving can be complex and sometimes involve a mix of these elements. However, cultivating awareness of our underlying reasons can lead to more genuine and fulfilling acts of kindness.
Now, when I feel compelled to help, I pause and ask myself:
Am I doing this to feel good about myself?
Am I doing this to be liked or admired?
Am I doing this because I'm afraid to say no?
True charity, in its purest form, arises from abundance, seeking no return—not even the satisfaction of feeling loving. It is simply the action itself, a direct response to need, unburdened by self-interest.
If you enjoyed this piece, a quick tap on the heart icon would mean a lot. I’d also love to hear your thoughts in the comments—connecting with readers is truly the best part of this journey.
And if you found this helpful, feel free to share it with your friends and family. I’d be so grateful!❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for posting this! It has been a topic I have thought about off and on for many years. It always bugs me when I see a charity giver being interviewed, and they almost inevitably say (often with with false modesty), "I am receiving so much more from this charitable act, than does the person who is receiving my gift." That is no doubt true! I usually try to examine my motives for giving, and often fall way short. Like all of us, I guess. I will be reading deMello's book. Thank you for your thoughts.
Thank you Sikieng for a thought provoking piece of writing. If an act of kindness is received with a smile or a thank you it’s a natural response to feel pleasure and warmth. However I will take on your suggestion of offering kindness without the expectation of any validation.