What Is Love? It’s Not What You Think
We talk about love all the time, but do we truly understand it? Many see love as a trade—giving only to receive, as if saying, “I’ll love you, but only if you love me back.” But what if love isn’t about what we get? What if real love is about giving freely, without conditions or expectations?
Learning to Love Without Conditions
In the early years of my marriage, I often found myself frustrated. My husband was a workaholic, frequently canceling our dates to finish projects. I expected him to handle small tasks around the house—like taking out the trash on weekends—but he would forget. When I shared my problems, I wanted him to listen, but he would try to offer solutions instead. These things used to make me feel annoyed and disappointed.
Over time, I realized that love is not about forcing someone to fit my expectations. If he forgets to take out the trash, I can remind him—but I cannot make him remember every single time. If he stays late at work, I can encourage him to look after his health, but ultimately it’s his choice. If he cancels a date, I can still enjoy my own company. Love does not demand change; it embraces the person as they are.
Yet this raises a question: if love is freely given, how does it even start? For most of us, it begins with a spark—those moments of connection, laughter, or mutual interests that draw us together. Over time, that spark transforms into something deeper: I choose to love you, even when it’s not easy; I choose to stay and give my best to you without demanding anything in return.
At first, we might like someone because they are funny or kind, but even the best things fade sometimes. When we feel let down, we have a choice: do we pull away, or do we keep loving? This is where love becomes a real gift, not a deal. I don’t love my husband because he is perfect; I love him because I accept him, just as he is, flaws and all. That’s the kind of love that creates room for both of us to grow without feeling pressured to be perfect.
Love Is Like a Tree
Love is much like a tree—it offers shade and protection to all, asking for nothing in return. It stands firm, providing comfort, even when no one acknowledges it. Love does not fade when it is not returned; it does not become smaller when it’s ignored.
If a tree only provided shade to those who thanked it, what kind of tree would it be? Real love does not ask for anything in return or try to change others. It simply gives. True love stands tall, rooted in kindness, and remains steady, regardless of what it receives in return.
True Love Is Not Attachment
Many people believe that love should complete us, that we need someone else to feel whole. But this idea often leads to dependency—a constant craving that can end up damaging both individuals.
True love, however, allows both people to be whole on their own. It’s not about clinging to someone or shaping them to suit our desires. Instead, it’s about giving freely, with no fear or expectation. Love should never trap us—it should set us free.
If that’s the case, why be together at all? I once believed that relationships were for learning, growing, and helping each other become better people. As I’ve grown older, I see it differently. A relationship doesn’t have to be a school; I don’t need to grow from my partner, nor does he need to grow from me. The purpose of love isn’t self-improvement—it’s to find joy in one another’s presence. We are together simply because we cherish our time together, not because we are incomplete without each other.
Final Thoughts
Love is not about making someone fit your list of expectations. It means letting them be who they are and choosing to love them anyway. Real love is a gift that doesn’t ask for anything in return.
So, next time you feel upset because your partner isn’t acting the way you want, ask yourself: Am I being kind and accepting, or am I trying to change them? We often think we are “helping” or “fixing” the people we love, but true love respects who they are and lets them grow in their own way.
Above all, love is not attachment. It is not about owning someone or needing them to complete you. It is about appreciating them just as they are—without conditions, without fear, and without the expectation of anything in return. And that, in the end, is true freedom.
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I really felt this.
Love should be more about acceptance and less about changing the other person, because to be sincere, changing the other person is not really possible.
Good one, Sikieng.
Beautiful, Sikieng! I really appreciated this post.
I've been thinking on this concept a lot, because when a relationship first begins, we’re often captivated by the essence of the other person—fascinated by the way they see the world, determined to uncover the hidden layers of who they are. But, as time rolls on, that boundless curiosity can dim. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “If only they would change this one little thing.” Bit by bit, we shift from cherishing them as they are to imagining them as a polished version tailored to meet our preferences. Love, real love, as you say, doesn’t look like that.